The Banquet Circuit (April 2008)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

A man visits his doctor and complains that he is not feeling well. The doctor examines him and tells him "There's nothing wrong with you".

"I don't accept that" says the man. "I want a second opinion".

"Very well", says the doctor, and whistles loudly.

Through the door comes a large Labrador dog who circles round the man, sniffing at him, then quietly walks away.

"There, you see", says the doctor, "he also found nothing wrong with you".

"I'm still not satisfied" says the man, "I insist on yet another opinion!"

"Very well" says the doctor, and calls into the room a large Persian cat. This warily circles the man and then, with nose and tail in the air leaves the room.

The doctor says "You see, nothing wrong!"

The man says "Look, I've had enough of this nonsense," and leaves the surgery in high dudgeon.

His anger is compounded when, a few days later, he receives an enormous bill of $300 for the visit.

On examining it closely he finds it itemised into three amounts:-
Consultation - $100
Lab test - $100
Cat scan - $100

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”