The Banquet Circuit (December 2003)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

Holiday Sauce

A guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth.

After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy.

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Thoughts for the Month

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
- Dave Barry

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
- Paula Poundstone

Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

The NUN

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't wan't to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything, I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that;- #1 you have to be single and,- #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too."

"Okay," the nun says, "pull into the next alley."

He does and she fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a "lady of the evening" blush.

But when they got back on the road the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's okay, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.