The Banquet Circuit (March 2005)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

The Job Interview

A (referee, administrator, etc. your choice) walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask him a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Referee: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Referee: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Referee: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The referee goes home and calls up one of his friends, who asks him if he got the job. The referee says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Break It To Me Gently

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Drunks
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"

The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

Old Age

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Stopped by the Police

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.