The Banquet Circuit (March 2007)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

Guys and Gals who live with their basketball!

Good One-Liners

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

The Big Hitter

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

The Cat Joke

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Dangerous shot

Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.

He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.

Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.

"No way," he replied. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" she asked.

He responded, "The last time I did that something terrible happened."

"What happened?" she asked.

The man answered, "I got a double bogey."

The swimming contest

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs.

And the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"