The Banquet Circuit (May 2005)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

The Snail

Have the neighborhood kids ever played the trick on you where they knock on your door and then disappear? Well they have to me. So you can perhaps relate to my reaction when, several years ago while I was busy eating dinner, I heard a knock at the door. Upon answering the door, I didn't see anything, and was about to give up in disgust until I looked down. There at the bottom of my doorstep was a tiny little snail, obviously left there by kids. Having better things to do with my time besides tend to snails, I picked it up and threw it as far as I could.

Three years later I was eating dinner again when someone knocked at the door. Upon answering it I didn't see anything... until I looked down, and there stood the snail.

The snail looked up at me and said, "What was that for?"

Airline Travel

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

The Hunters

One day, Murphy and O'Brien went deer hunting in the woods. They sit in the woods for hours, when suddenly this humongous buck comes into view. With a nice clean shot, O'Brien bangs the buck. They drag it back to camp by the butt, but the antlers keep getting stuck. Another hunter says, "You guys should drag it by the antlers. It won't get stuck." They do, and Murphy yells, "Hey, he was right. He is not getting stuck." O'Brien replies, "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from camp." Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Job Interview

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."