The Banquet Circuit (May 2006)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.


Caught Up In the Moment

The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her. The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident. The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly. After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested. The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor.


The Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”



Keeping a Secret


"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my
age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."


Women's Movement (You could easily rewrite this joke for men)

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England
stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more
assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and
told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would
have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my
washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


Hiring a Private Eye (Again, you could easily rewrite this joke for men)

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the
detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of
compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs.
They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos.
The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park
laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he
watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and
the man are sharing obvious utter glee.

"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."

"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I
have all the times and dates in my log."

"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that
much fun."