The Banquet Circuit (November 2005)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

Marriage Jokes

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."

She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

These are some classic teacher / student jokes

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him. "
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing
God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
"honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
__________________________________________________

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead. "
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in
the face.."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet isn't empty."
__________________________________________________

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

QUOTES for YOUR MONTH
Quotes To Make You Smile:

"A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on."
French Proverb

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t
matter."
Mark Twain

"Experience is a comb which nature gives us when we are bald."
Proverb

"Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead."
Bill Mcglashen

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."
Zig Ziglar

A house becomes a home when you can write, 'I love you' on the furniture."
Author Unknown

"I ask people if an elephant has ever bitten them. Most of the time people say no. But everyone has been bitten by a mosquito. It's the little things that get us."
David DeNotaris

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't."
Richard Bach

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.