The Banquet Circuit (September 2005)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

Luck of the Irish

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Blue or Black Suit?

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried
in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

Doctor, Doctor!

“Doctor!” complained the patient; “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”
The doctor scratched his head. “Why have you come to me?
Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” replied the patient, “just spots.”

If It Looks Like A Duck...

Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped. The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, "Looks like it...” the second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, "smells like it..." the third, sticking his finger in it, said, "feels like it". "Good thing we didn't step in it", they all agreed as they turned and walked away.

Frugal? I'd Say!

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.

“What happened, Honey?” asked his wife.

“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.” “That wasn’t to smart,” replied his wife.

“Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?”

What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...