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The Banquet Circuit (April 2003)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation. Enemies In The West A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire,"
replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all
day, burning the towns of your enemies in the "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Hypnotic Mass A
local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates
each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It
is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium
is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a So
the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates
were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the Just
as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch
broke and the watch hit the lectern with a "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It
took them a week to clean up the church. Dog In Heat A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The
little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk
around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the Dad
said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Blind Golf A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! PRIEST:
Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George,
what's with that group ahead of us? GEORGE:
Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving
our club house last year. So we let them (Silence!) PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. GOLFER:
Why can't these guys play at night? Satan Goes To Church One
bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and
goes to their local church. Before the service Suddenly,
at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in their Soon,
everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his
pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Who said he was dead? A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The
doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His
patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?" Fart
Football An
old man and his wife have gone to bed. His
wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" A
few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - After
about five minutes the old man farts again and says - Not
to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
PAYING YOUR RESPECTS A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years!"
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