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The Banquet Circuit (May 2003)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
The Fortune Teller During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will
I be acquitted?"
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But
if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the
chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED
WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask me?
I'm The Boss! The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your
wife called, she wants her sign back!"
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Vampires At The Bar Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood." Then bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma." The
bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right.
That's two bloods and a blood light?" Been Caught Cheating A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his privates in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?" The
wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going
to set the garage on fire."
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You
bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
A Minor Shredding Mishap The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked. "Yes," he replied "how do you work this thing?" "Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder. "Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out? One Hundred Dollars From God A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention. The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. "P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office." |
