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The Banquet Circuit (August 2003)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
The Last Request Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please,"
said the condemned man, "kill me first."
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. "What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop." "Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John. "Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down." "And
John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy
a tractor from you TODAY!"
A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh, I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it." So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too." Diet Buddies Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Wonderful,"
Mary replied. "I'll go with you." Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!" "Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine." "I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike! "Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!" "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly." "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!" "The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!" "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "If you ever need a friend, buy a dog." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep." "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
Weigh In A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. She commented, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers." The Fortune-Teller A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think", said the man scornfully. I'm the father of THREE children." The
woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!" |
