The Banquet Circuit (December 2002)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

Powder Puff Girl! Click Here! You're going to love this one! (Compliments of Tom Sorboro)

Twins Humor

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named "Amal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Just Pretend

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey,
take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the livingroom where her husband
was reading a novel... She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend
I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

The Accident

A blonde goes to an electronic store. She goes up to the salesman and says "I'd like to buy this TV" the salesman replies "sorry I don't sell to blondes" the blonde, very angry goes home.

The next day she dresses up very professionally, pins her hair up and puts on a pair of glasses. She goes back to the store and says to the same salesman "I'd like to buy this TV" The salesman again says "sorry but I don't sell to blondes" Now the blonde is very angry.

The next day she dyes her hair brown and puts on the glasses and goes back to the store. Again she says to the salesman "I'd like to buy this TV" and again the salesman replies "Sorry I don't sell to blondes" The blonde starts yelling "I'm not blonde, look my hair is brown. Why won't you just sell be the damn TV?"

The salesman replies "Because it's a microwave".

Joining Earl

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over
with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.....

Earth Science Class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly
jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister,
I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"

Defenition of Comittment

Three men are applying for a job at the CIA. The first is thirty years old married for tens years, the second is forty years old married for twenty years and the third is fifty years old and married for thirty years.

The 30 year old is first and is told by the interviewer in order to become a member of the CIA you must take this gun and go into this room and shoot your wife. Well, he comes out of the room a half hour later and gives the
man back the gun saying the job wasn't worth it and he just couldn't shoot his wife...

The 40 year old is next to take the gun into the room with "his" wife. One hour later he comes out crying, sobbing that he really needs this job, but dammit, I just can't kill my wife. With that he throws the gun on the floor
and storms out of the room.....

The 50 year old is next. He takes the gun into the room with his wife. After about an hour and a half, all of a sudden there is the sound of six gunshots and then the sound of chairs flying and other loud noises. The man comes out
of the room looking like hell. With large scratch marks on his face and chest and barely able to catch his breath.

"Well," says the interviewer, "what the hell happened in there?"

The man responded, "somebody put blanks in my gun and I had to strangle her to death."

Another Classic

Two young photographers are on a shooting in a famous Kenyan safari park.

They had spent the day snapping giraffes, leopards, gazells - anything that came into view.

Walking back to their jeep they spotted a pride of lions.

They were clicking away like crazy, when a large male lion stood up and gave out a loud roar.

One of the photographers slipped off his boots and put on a pair of running shoes.

The other photographer looked at him and said: "You'll never outrun a lion!"

To which the other replied: "Yeah, but I can outrun you!"

25 ways to amuse yourself.....

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

12) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

13) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

14) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

15) Sing along at the opera.

16) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

17) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is of the opposite gender.)

18) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds
all day.

19) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

20) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

21) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time
this week!!!"

22) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

23) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the
voices in your head that do."

24) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

25) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"