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The Banquet Circuit (November 2002)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
At the Club Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?" MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: How much?" WOMAN: $60,000. MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you too." The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Three old women Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."
The Accident A (blonde, man or referee) was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping.
Adoption A backwoods couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On
the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The
backwoodsman said proudly,---In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk.
We want
Another Dumb Referee Joke A
basketball official buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because he thinks his
wife His wife seeing this starts screaming at him not to shoot. The referee replies, "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
Best Friends? All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!" The Pharmacist A man was inquiring about Viagra to a pharmacist. The pharmacist said "These pills work wonders for me, I can go for 3 hours! I only have to take one pill" Interested the man asked "Can you get it over the counter?" The
pharmacists looked startled and replied "Maybe if I take two pills!"
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