Jokes, stories
and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important
presentation.
3 Good Reasons
To Keep Your Home or Apartment Clean
Admit it...you feel
like doing this to at least one person every day!
Just
before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow
and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older
than me'
'So
you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home,
is it?
Reporters
interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The
nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've
sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees,
fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia .. Have poor
circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm
85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
I
feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission
to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for
an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My
memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it
used to be.
THE
SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to
tell the difference.
'MARIJUANA
FILLED FIREWOOD'
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes.
What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets
it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for
the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's
Floyd... .Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to geter
dun).
My
neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, its house broken,
and it's great with kids.
He's
giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing,
and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!
If
you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of the
dog (see below).
