The Banquet Circuit (September 2008)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

Some people who DID NOT participate in the 2008 Beijing Olympics

Scam Alert

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red-light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

Husband of the Year Awards

The honorable mention goes to: The United Kingdom

...followed closely by The United States of America

and then................Poland

but 3rd Place must go to.........Greece

it was very very close but the runner up prize was awarded to................. Serbia

but the winner of the husband of the year......is......... Ireland. Ya gotta love the Irish

Why Parents Drink

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'
With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Jon

P.S.

Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

The Joys of Being A Teacher

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?!
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth let ter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't h ave to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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